26-50 things I'm thankful for

To continue with my 50 things I'm thankful for:


26. The hubs gave me a rough draft of a book he's creating of all my blog posts from last year. This sweet man has poured hours preparing it and it is a family treasure.

from Charles

27. For the first time in my life, I got a birthday card from Charles. Charles is the quirky alter ego of my orange hair, freckle face OS. Charles spawned an alter ego in me named Charlene. Charles and Charlene speak their own language and have unique accents. No one else in the family really likes Charles and Charlene but we/they have fun together. Thanks Charles!

28. a birthday card announcement from 
my cadet in French and Spanish

29. For my birthday, I also received a beautiful letter from my oldest OS. And, just like Nate, he forgot to sign it! 
30. Thread - I have new thread. Thread makes things happen. Oh yeah.

bibimbap, I prefer mine without the egg

31. We entertained a Korean exchange student during my birthday weekend and she made us bibimbap and other tasty Korean foods. And I've now eaten bracken...you're welcome. 

bracken, fiddleheads, they are edible

32. My soap nuts arrived. I've been using them for two weeks - love them, seriously!
33. I finished a guest blog post - taa daa!
34. At the end of my birthday night, my middle OS Aaron gave me a video of the past year. I cried through the whole thing but only had one big crying snort, it couldn't be helped. 
35. No snow or ice storms on my birthday. For someone born January 27th in the States, those things usually go hand in hand.

a mama of oliveshoots needs olive fabric.
but now what do I do with it? 

36. My road trip to MaryJo's Cloth Store with friends was joyful. Four women in an SUV talking about everything without gossip is a blessing.
37. I bought some 1 1/2 yards of olive fabric. Any suggestions on what a mama of oliveshoots can do with this? 
38. I have three pounds of dried black turtle beans. They are exquisite.

= yum

39. My birthday cake from Blue Moon Bakery - simply divine with raspberry frosting, chocolate mousse filling. And it matched my hair. It's good when your hair matches your cake.

gorgeous made from scratch poundcake

40. But before we enjoyed the bakery cake on Saturday with my extended family on Friday night, a wonderful family friend surprised me with a homemade pound cake she made from scratch. 
41. Ike's team won their game! My orange hair, freckle face OS blazed the court on my b-day!
42. My mom does not have cancer. 
43. Balloons.
44. A singing birthday greeting from my cousin's family. Tis a sweet melody hearing four girls who love the Lord leave a message for me.

45. another birthday announcement from my cadet - in Arabic and English! I'm pretty sure his roommate helped him with the Arabic. 

pj pants for a book lover!

46. I made a pair of pajama pants for one of my two bibliophiles. He's going to wear them during Spirit Week. 
47. Jesus who gave me a redemptive life. 

48. Zumba which is giving me a redemptive body (maybe)...
49. Lou Malnati's pizza from my aunt and uncle shipped from Chicago which necessitates blessing #48!

50. And lastly, another birthday greeting from my Soldier. I know this was no small feat for my OS to do, thank you precious son! 

Army Strong - Day One post surgery

Outside the hospital

We're sitting in a darkened room at Keller Army Hospital on a crisp autumn day at West Point. The sound of the CryoCuff Cooler chugs along giving Nate icy respite from the pain of surgery. We are only a few hours post-ACL surgery and even though this is not easy for any of us (especially Nate!), I'm so happy my middle OS and I are here.

Nate will come to love and hate 
this machine during his rehab

Though my family often chides me for asking a lot of questions, today I think Nate at least would agree, that trait does have its merits. I had myriad questions of the surgeon but didn't barrage him. A mama wants to effectively advocate for her son. If you've ever been to the doctor or had surgery, you understand how important it can be to have another voice speaking on your behalf. In the short time he has been a patient at the hospital, I have run interference for my OS. When Nate was thirsty, I requested water, when he drank Sprite, I asked if he could have more. The medical staff have many patients, Aaron and I have one. It's not being a diva or a prima donna, I'm not a Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, just a mama, if I can do something quicker or easier, than I want to assist. 

Saw this in the waiting room - Rick Springfield 
on a talk show this morning...
I think he's had some surgery too! :) 

When Nate's IV monitor was sounding "occlusion," I fetched someone to investigate. When he thought he might throw up, I inquired of a barfing receptacle. I'm sure Nate would have managed but not very comfortably because he's too weak to do much. Aaron has faithfully stayed by Nate's side even though there's really nothing for him to do here. I am proud of my boy for his sacrifice and love. 

Aaron and I went apple picking with a friend
yesterday - we are the two amigos!

Here's an example of how Aaron and I have been a good team. A short while ago, a male nurse came to help Nate with a basic biological function. Nate did not want my intervention (totally understood that!) so Aaron and I waited in the hallway. The nurse gave Nate his privacy once he had transferred him to the toilet. He left the room and told Nate he would get him back to the bed. Nate used the restroom and Aaron and I stepped back in the room. Nate began to wobble and he looked white as a ghost. I yelled for Aaron's help in case Nate fainted as I retrieved the nurse. Aaron stood by his brother's side until the staff got him safely back to bed. Now Nate is fast asleep, problem avoided, thank the Lord. 


My OS has entered the subset of cadets who find themselves needing surgery during their 48 month sojourn at USMA. It's a unique subset of the Corps and if possible, I'd recommend finding another "club" to join! Seriously! Thanks for your prayers, concern and support, it means so much to us. Army Strong!

Surgery - when the time is right, whenever that is!

Gorgeous skies blanketed the journey to West Point

Unfortunately, the adage "expect the unexpected" and the expression "hurry up and wait" are true this morning as Nate's surgery has been delayed. He walked into the surgery room, mentally prepared to get his ACL fixed and walked right back out minutes later because of an equipment malfunction.


The night before, the three of us enjoyed dinner at Sushi King followed by ice cream just a few doors down the street. Nate was as ready as he could be for the surgery bright and early in the morning.


But at this point, my OS has been told that the equipment might not even be fixed today. The sterilizer is broken. I think that's a good reason to postpone things however, my firstie is hungry, thirsty and frustrated, who can blame him?


Yesterday I found myself counting our blessings, taking stock of the goodness which has resulted through this trial. So instead of complaining which is unproductive, I'm going to concentrate on the positive. This is just a partial list and I hope to later include other blessings which have lifted our spirits. 

Don''t be jealous, get your own ACL surgery ;)

My van is loaded with treats for Nathan. Cards and gifts from family as well as from people who don't even know my boy! When Nate said he wanted me to bring him dehydrated apples, I obliged but a mother who doesn't even know him also wanted to support a member of the military. She dehydrated a bunch of apples for Nate. They look delicious! 

Bible Study friends holding a bag of dehydrated apples.
They donated 40 pounds of apples for my OS!

The women in my weekly Bible Study pitched in and bought a box of apples for me to dehydrate for my OS. We're talking 40 POUNDS of apples! In addition, my Bible Study leader and another WP mom donated bags of apples for my healthy food project. Such bounty! When I popped open the back of the van to give Nate some of the things, his mouth was agape at the amount of apples he now has to enjoy! I felt so proud of my friends and the community of support.

Nate now has a ridunkulous amount of dehydrated apples. 

The West Point networks for parents and mothers are extraordinary. Through a parent list-serve and a closed West Point Moms facebook group, I have been encouraged beyond measure. I learned about Mobilegs which is a lightweight crutch alternative. When I contacted the company and told them about Nate's upcoming surgery, they eagerly offered me a military discount. 

Nate trying on his Mobilegs before surgery

The Mobilegs arrived at his barracks yesterday afternoon. 
When we met Nate,   
he was grinning and carrying them. "I'm actually kinda excited to use them," Nate remarked to me last night. 

In front of Sushi King - Nate and his
Zoolanderish brother Aaron

During dinner, when the owner of the restaurant learned that Nate was a West Point cadet and having surgery the next day, he made him a free special mango sushi roll. Our spirits were high. Truly I'm learning that the little things we can all do for each other are very significant. THANK YOU SUSHI KING!!

Mango, cream cheese, crab sushi roll made
just for Nate - delicious kindness

Another great blessing was Aaron and I drove to West Point and enjoyed a scenic, pleasant trip. We got along 96% of the time and although the last 4% was pretty ugly (we were less than ten miles away from West Point!), our relationship quickly returned to its formerly happy state. 


And as if we hadn't be given above and beyond what we even imagined, we had a surprise awaiting us. I opened the small closet in Nate's hospital room and there, tucked in the far corner, I spotted the thing we never expected. A pair of bright red boxer briefs!!! Carefully I pinched the undies with my fingers and wiggled them at Nate! He was, um, speechless! I'm pretty sure an angel had left them there for my boy. It doesn't get better than that, my friends!

A complimentary pair of undies left for Nate! What great fortune!

 And there have been other blessings which I must acknowledge. Right now though I'm completely exhausted and trusting in the Lord's perfect timing. Please know that your words and thoughtfulness are so meaningful. We'll keep you posted...

Doing Hard Things - Aaron sharing from his heart

My feet and those of my boy - both of us getting 
ready for the service. I love how our feet 
are touching, I didn't realize it until now 
when I posted the pic. 

My middle OS Aaron entered the world with great gusto on August 30,1996. Almost exactly 17 years later, on a beautiful summer’s day in the Chicagoland area, that same precious child approached a microphone and through words, gave a final gift to the grandma he loved dearly.

Pretty sure I used that entire box of Kleenex!

My grandma’s memorial service brought forth countless blessings. On every level, from the music selected, the pictures featured, the location of the service to the tender common spirit filling the morning, it was obvious that the Lord had given us a day to reflect and celebrate a remarkable person. 

Aaron was the first family member to speak.This wasn’t his choice and he fretted about the pressure and enormity of the task. Not a lot of teenage guys would relish his position. From the perspective of a great-grandchild, my OS desired to recognize and share a central message about someone we all adored. Prone to migraines, we had been praying against him having one during the service and praise the Lord, he was fine. But think of how many adults cower in front of a microphone, let alone how many grown ups willingly speak at a memorial service about someone they love... Ok, now you have a slight understanding of the pride I had in my OS. 

Aaron spoke from this podium (so did everyone else).
You can see a funny picture of Nathan 
and Grandma in the background. 
We always had so much fun with her.  

My boy had worked so hard on his message. He sought counsel from teachers, asked for prayers, listened to our advice, changed a few words and added others. He considered his outfit, his hair (it really is that important!) and his shoes. But the foremost thing Aaron desired was to fittingly articulate the impact Grandma had on his life and on the lives of all the great grandkids. 

At the beginning of his message, Aaron accidentally omitted the name of his big brother, Nathan when he was recalling all of the great-grandchildren. True to form, Aaron gracefully recovered and it gave us all a moment to chuckle when he humorously, begrudgingly inserted Nathan’s name in the list. :)

Grandma and her boys at The Sound of Music.

As a music lover, Aaron equated Grandma’s life to a soundtrack. He told of the time we took her to see The Sound of Music. Grandma seemed less interested in the actual performance but more focused on the time with us as a family. Grandma closed her eyes, still fully awake and hummed away at familiar songs. Aaron recalled how he looked over at her during the musical and observed such joy on her face. My OS said that the soundtrack of Grandma's life was one with strong notes and crescendoes, beautiful and melodious. It was a moving and fitting analogy.

He continued and the tears in Aaron’s eyes and voice mirrored everyone else’s as we wept during his message. My ever growing pile of Kleenex only increased when Aaron spoke of Jesus and His love for all of us. While we were there to mark Grandma's passing, we celebrated the depth of happiness she gave to us all. Aaron acknowledged the Source of that love, Christ our Lord. I sat there draped in the arms of my other two OS and the Hubs never more thankful for this family I’ve been given. 

I like to imagine that my grandma is in heaven and that she could see us on August 27, 2011. Since there is no sadness or pain in heaven, in my heart I envision her utterly resplendent and I wonder if tears streamed from her sweet face. Not from sadness or cancer or dementia but from joy. I picture her absolutely overwhelmed being in the presence of the Lord, worshipping Him forever and for this one shining moment, seeing her handsome teenage great grandson confidently speaking of her and standing near her portrait. Oh how that picture in my heart brings me peace. If only everyone could be loved like this on earth and then to have that love exceeded in heaven, I want to live that kind of life now and eternally.   

Thank you Aaron. Thank you Grandma. 

Thanksgiving is mixed with sorrow, tears erupt with little warning and that’s the way I process grief. I realize that it’s going to be like this for a while as I have mourned other loved ones in the past. It is possible to be simultaneously sad, proud, grateful...after all that’s just what happens when you are Aaron’s mom and Grandma’s grand-daughter. 

Doing Hard Things - moving forward

I wrote this post while traveling to Chicago to attend my grandma's memorial service. I am now back home and reconciling myself to a different life without someone I loved very much...

My feet at my grandma's service

It’s not that my feet have failed me. It’s not their fault, I can’t blame them. They have moved forward. They will be walking into a church tomorrow and at the appointed time, they will walk up to the podium.Though my heart is breaking, my feet will be sturdy forces even in mid-size heels. My feet will propel me into places I know bring sorrow and there’s nothing I can do about it. They are doing the right thing.

Ok, so the folks in West Virginia might NOT be
moving forward if they are bringing bologna biscuits back!

As we have journeyed from North Carolina, through the voluptuous hills of West Virginia and then through the flatter plains of Ohio, I note that everyone is moving forward. When we arrive in Chicago, it will be apparent EVERYONE is moving forward at breakneck speed. 

The windmills in Ohio moved slowly forward.
They were beautiful.

This week during my water aerobics class (another tribute to my grandma), I considered all the people in the pool. We vary in size, color, age and athleticism. Ashamedly I admit that it’s been a long time since I have really pondered this but as I stood in the water awaiting instruction, I thought to myself, everyone in this pool has lost someone. Everyone in this water knows grief. We have all cried pools of tears. Possibly some are as fresh as mine. 

We are all moving forward in some capacity. Sometimes I look at the ladies in the pool and see wisps of my own grandma. It might be in their carriage or bathing suit styles. I observe their little chicken legs, a charmed feature of my grandma’s and my own feet resist the temptation to run up to them. It would just make them feel awkward and I would cry. Not too many people cry during water aerobics~

Writing is cathartic for me and these fingers push words forward which spring from an aching grand-daughter’s heart. My fingers are blessed to tell you about the tender caresses from my OS and the Hubs as I grieve. They have loved me, allowed ME to lean on them and I’m comforted by their gentleness. My middle OS has told me that he is old enough to handle my pain. My oldest bairn at West Point sets aside his own worries and concerns to listen. The orange-haired, freckle face Isaac grants more hugs than usual without getting annoyed. Their Hanes cotton t-shirts have deposited many of my tears, their rugged hands envelope mine reassuringly.

Perhaps I have shared this previously but I did not grow up in a family with an emotionally accessible father. We were well acquainted with his angry side but vulnerability was rarely shown. Until I met the Hubs, I didn’t realize men were capable of sweet and tender feelings. This, along with my total lack of being able to discuss the merits of menstruation (!), have led me to believe that the Lord gave me three sons to heal a woundedness in my heart.

Going forward while Doing Hard Things

In my next post, I will share things I’m learning while Doing Hard Things and some of the dearest moments at my grandma’s service. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday remix -convergence

That huge feeling of accomplishment 

a little boy gets when climbing a mountain 

while holding a plastic knife

Seems quite similar to that proud feeling
a man has when standing in his India Whites, 
a shiny gold ring on his finger

And the excitement of a tween as 
she's rockin' it in a midriff and white pants,
holding her portable camera at the petting zoo

Is quite similar to the feeling a woman gets

when speaking at a church in El Salvador, 
far away from family and friends

What a blessed wonder it is when God allows 
those people to be mother and son and 
share joy together.

Doing hard things - good days and bad days

This was my Saturday post..since then I have made progress and didn't give up after all. I'm choosing to document not only my moments of success but also times of setback and discouragement. I'm posting it because some of you might understand my struggles...


Now back to Saturday afternoon...

ergh

I want to give up and throw in the towel. Swimming is just too hard. Nothing seems to work. It's too complicated, too many things to try and coordinate. I'm too old for this. I look stupid. When my arms are straight, they should be bent. When my legs are kicking, they should be pointed. People look so effortless in the water, strong, brave, athletic, they must be geniuses too. No one can convince me I have the same appearance, what is wrong with me?


This is where I am today. If you were looking for an encouraging word, this isn't the blog post for you. Sorry, just being honest. Even typing these words creates anxiety within me. 


What quandary pervades my spirit! Competing forces - grief and gratitude, fear and courage, defeat and perseverance inhabit me. 

Swimming and grieving :&

Grief - My grandma was so dear to me. Someone I loved deeply is no longer in my life and it's terribly painful without her. Mourning is tiring and I want to just crawl into a corner and cry. 


Gratitude - Yet I had a grandma for nearly 50 years, what right do I have to be sad? She brought immeasurable joy to me and lived 91 1/2 years! The Lord gave me a grandma for a longer time than most people. She led a storied life. Thank you Jesus for blessing me!


Fear - Moving forward without her is scary. And I'm finding that swimming is like grief. Is it ever going to feel natural being in the water? Living without my grandma?

This diving board is becoming my friend. 

Courage - Being a land tortoise is a thing of the past. This summer, the diving board and I have become friends, we're not besties but we enjoy each other most of the time. Like it or not, I'm doing at least two Hard Things simultaneously - swimming and grieving (News flash...on Monday, my orange hair, freckle face OS told me I had "guts!" That meant so much to me!)

Um, yeah, that looks natural...NOT!

Defeat - I have been googling YouTube videos about the breast stroke. Who came up with this swimming maneuver? The breast stroke is a constant source of conversation in my house, when do I glide, breathe, lift my head? OY! This afternoon I practiced my breast stroke techniques perpendicularly on a kitchen stool and on the large leg rest in our family room. Even at the farmer's market in the parking lot, I demonstrated a possible breast stroke move to the Hubs. None of it makes sense, am I on the brink of figuring it out or is this just another indication that I need to just count my losses and move on? 


Perseverance-  But I have made some progress with swimming. For the first time in my life, I went in a circle while swimming. Don't ask me how I did it. Most of you do this effortlessly but until Wednesday, all I could do was swim in a straight line. Frankly, I most often swim (accidentally) diagonally. 

I have walked by this lap pool for years.
I jumped in it for the first time. 

I also went into the lap pool at our gym for the very first time. I plunged (sort of) into the much colder water and swam (terribly) two laps. Nearly died, gulping water, had a very unattractive choking spell while flapping my arms and legs at the wrong times but by golly, I did it. The plan is for me to return to this lap pool and eventually to feel comfortable enough with going there by myself. In the meantime, my trusty Hubs is by my side. 

I'm encouraged knowing I'm not the only one Doing Hard Things and pushing through these struggles. Thanks y'all.

Doing hard things - mourning and living

Sitting by my grandma was always a cozy place

The rain that pounded on my window Saturday morning symbolized my heart. Something I have wanted to avoid and have long feared, had now come true. For the first time in my life, I awoke to being without my grandma. Tears have poured from my eyes for nearly a week and waking to this new reality was crushing.


Navigating through grief challenges us in the most basic of ways. What can we do to acknowledge our sadness but not paralyze daily living? How do we move forward in life while still honoring the memory of our loved one? Is it ok to still laugh and smile? 


So many of you can relate, I'm sure. Grief is complicated, isn't it? 


Those torrents of rain granted me permission to stay in the house and do nothing but cry. But when the sun burst forth in the early afternoon, I knew I had two things to do. One was to go shopping for a dress for Ring Weekend, a very special celebration at West Point we will soon enjoy with our oldest OS. (stay tuned!)


And the other was not an task-related errand but something equally important. I had to go back to the swimming pool.

It's hard to stay in the lane! 

My grandma was a fire-cracker, a whipper snapper, a kick in the pants kinda gal. She was a hard-headed, go-getter who didn't let things keep her down for very long and I always admired those qualities.


So in honor of my grandma and because I believe the Lord has given me this summer to conquer my fears, I swam four laps. They were crooked and awkward. They were not exactly consecutive laps either. I did my own special version of what I believe you people call "breast stroke" and "back stroke." During the back stroke, in the middle of the lap, I swam into the plastic lap divider rings. (I just realized I called them "lap" dividers not lane dividers, told you I was a swimming newbie!). Instead of just giving up, though, I found myself laughing, the Hubs nearby chuckled also. I'm exerting a tremendous amount of physical energy swimming because I don't have all the movements synchronized. I'm aware of how silly I look but that is no longer a big concern. Considering all the sadness in my heart, it was a triumphant moment.

Then the perfunctory ten jumps into the deep end followed. The Hubs sat contentedly on the lounging chair as I began the task. Things were going well but then suddenly, while underwater, fear gripped me. I panicked and I doubted that I had enough air to make it safely to the side. The Hubs was reading a book, he had no idea. It was only after I grabbed the side of the pool that I was able to get his attention. From the poolside, I mouthed, "Hon, I'm struggling. I'm scared. I can't do this. I'm done."


Left to my own defenses, overwhelming grief combined with lack of confidence, I was ready to go home. Hadn't I done enough, felt enough for one day? I didn't see myself as a failure, I just felt like a grand-daughter mourning and that is part of what I am right now.


But the Hubs spurred me on. He said, "I'll go in with you. Come on, let's get back in the water." With that, I returned to the water and not only did ten jumps into the deep end of the pool but I did an extra. The last one was for my grandma. I asked the Hubs to take a picture and yes, I'm crying while making a heart symbol. I will never forget you Grandma. Wherever I am, Grandma, I will carry you with me. 

I <3 my grandma

I have no idea how I'm going to press on without one of the most significant people in my life but what choice do I have? Therefore I have to hope. Not in myself but in the power of Christ in me. It's no accident that the Lord chose this summer to be a time of loss and gain. I know the Lord is changing me. 


I don't really like this part of the process, it hurts like crud but I hear the voice of my grandma saying, "That's great, Cin! I'm so proud of you!" she would giggle with delight. And I hear the voice of the Author of Life, my Sustainer, the Lifter of my head reminding me that "he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it in Christ Jesus."

Keep working on doing your own hard things. I am blessed by your prayers and comments.

Doing hard things - laughing

Later tonight I will do my Wednesday remix. It's a story I wrote about my grandma ten years ago. I had already selected it as something I wanted to share not knowing all this was going to happen...


But since writing is cathartic for me and my heart is straining with pain, I wished to share a tiny bright spot this morning.


Today was the first day of school for two of my OS. Aaron begins his senior year, Ike entered ninth grade. The orange hair, freckle face OS was crestfallen last night as he was trying on some pants for his school uniform. "Do these pants look too big?" he inquired, already knowing the answer. 


Since we do not encourage lying, I had no choice but to be completely honest. "Yes," I erupted, then exhaled and released the giggle that had been developing from the moment he had slipped on the pants.


Starting your first day in high school as a freshman with big pants is hardly ideal so with the prospect that all the pants in his wardrobe were similarly sized, Ike went to bed grouchy and nervous.

As you can clearly see, Ike is not a chunky monkey. 

This morning, however, the Lord gave Ike (and me) an unexpected blessing. My youngest OS awakened me with good news. "I found a pair of slim pants!" he announced as he hugged me good morning. "I was afraid I was going to have to go to school looking like Chris Farley!" I breathed in the fresh dash of cologne around his neck. My mouth guards were still in place, my sleeping mask attractively matted to my forehead (lovely visual) but none of that prevented me from bursting into laughter! He was right, he did look like Chris Farley and if you know my orange hair, freckle face OS, that's quite a stretch considering he has 0% body fat.

He has right,
he did kind of look like Chris Farley

It felt so nice to laugh because I also know my day will contain sadness. In fact, I was still in bed when I began crying and that's how it's going to be for a while, I guess. Later today, my sister will place the phone up to my grandma's ear for me to speak to her. She is now in hospice. I do not expect to have a back and forth conversation with my beloved grandma and it's quite possibly the final time I will say something to her this side of heaven. 


The ancient truths found in the chapter three of the book of Ecclesiastes still possess wisdom. 

"For everything there is a season, 

and a time for every matter under heaven: 

a time to be born, and a time to die; 

a time to weep and a time to laugh; 

a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

a time to seek, and a time to lose

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak..." 

Aaron, my grandma and I at one of Isaac's basketball games.
It was like an NBA game for her!

As many of you know, grief is a gritty process. This morning, however; I praise the Lord for the moments where I can feel His presence breaking through my sorrow. Today my joy came from a child named Isaac whose name means laughter.