Sorting and savoring

Aaron taking a final bow during his
last drama performance. Yes, I cried.

It's that let-down feeling you have after everything is said and done. Your busy plans are complete, bags are emptied, things are sort of back in place and despite a moment of rest, you are still utterly exhausted and drained. Your company has left and life is back to normal - that is until your husband has meniscus surgery this Wednesday. And looking at you and your sassy pink-haired self, no one would know all that's been going on because you appear to be coping. But the fact is you are struggling and you (in this case me) wrestle with conflicting emotions. Clear as mud, huh? 

Without getting too personal because blogs like that make me uncomfortable, this is how I'm feeling. In some strange way, it seems as if nothing happened because so much happened and it's just too hard to process. It's postpartum depression minus the baby. I scarce can take it all in.

The Class Crest of 2012

Two graduations in nine days in two different states is not for the faint of heart. Of all the stressful things I have done in my life, having those two events so close to each other is wayyyy high up there on the things I wouldn't choose to repeat. Both moments were so significant and emotional, there wasn't time to absorb one without quickly being distracted by the other. As a result, I'm stunned. What did we just do? Where did we just go and come back from (and I don't even care about the questionable grammar)? How much money did we spend? Why am I both full of emotion yet in empty despair? The denouement of Aaron's high school graduation and Nate's graduation from the United States Military Academy needed their own proper time. Kind of like my arthritic right knee, there wasn't and isn't any cushion.

Nate and I after the graduation parade.
I really loved that shining brass buckle. Very shiny. ;)

It sure seems like these cadets don't
realize what a huge day this is for me
and all the rest of the 2012 USMA parents!

After a graduation celebration with some of Nate's friends and their families, the Hubs and I were driving on Bear Mountain Bridge. Our tummies were full of delicious food from Foodies and it was early evening. The United States Military Academy, an outline of the stately concrete structures were off in the distance. The view called out to my mama's heart. Amber lights sparkled from the windows, the Hudson River sat tranquil and tears streamed from my eyes. Tears are currently streaming from my eyes as I type this, thank you very much.
Cadets are still in these rooms, I thought to myself. They are busy doing things, I mused, but strangely, my boy is no longer there. How could that be??? His (and thusly my) 47 month journey had ended just hours before and everyone had seemingly moved on. Nate was ready. I guess I was not. 

The Hubs and I during Ring Weekend
standing in front of Nate's barracks.

As the Hubs kept his eyes on the road, I couldn't help but reach out and grab that little West Point with my fingers. Between my thumb and my pointer finger, I held West Point there as long as I could before we passed it by. I can never grasp what this place has meant to my OS or to me. 

Majestic - Washington Hall 

I can find reasons to return to West Point but none will be for my boy as a plebe, yuk, cow or firstie. The pangs of this reality sting and confuse. He loved that place. He hated it. It was so far away. I loved coming there. What tumult of spirit! No sooner had Nate graduated from USMA, then he bolted from Michie Stadium along with nearly 1000 other newly commissioned officers and finished turning in all their stuff. There wasn't any sentiment in the departure and it reminded me of the 90 second goodbye we had been issued on R-Day, that never to be forgotten day. No built-in cushion there that's for sure. 

My boy, that uniform, what memories

Pride, humility, loss, gain, and so much more jumble inside. I expect to be working through these experiences and emotions for quite some time because that's what a mama does, right? 

I'd love to hear from you if you can relate. West Point mom or not, you might empathize. Thanks for listening...

West Point graduation touchstone moments

This is not a glamour shot. 

Pictured here are the freckle face, orange hair ginger, the Hubs,
the Officer just after we pinned the bars on his uniform,
the weepy proud mama, the grandpa and the ministry-bound middle brother.

We are an imperfect bunch.
But we love each other.
And when not focusing on our own personal comforts which is often difficult for most people including myself and those in my clan.
We reach deep down inside and demonstrate support and care.

And this is what my oldest OS deserved on HIS day.
Not telling Nate how exhausted and hot we were (because I do not believe there are sufficient words and he was surely more tired and sweaty!) 
But rather standing next to our Soldier physically, emotionally and spiritually.
As he graduated from the United States Military Academy.
It was a privilege and an honor.
And if someone would have handed me a mirror,
And lipstick,
And some haircare products,
Or offered me a shower to freshen up,
You know, because an important picture was going to be taken,

I would have said no

And continued to hold my son's hand.

It was only after looking at this picture the following day
that I realized that we were all touching. I love that. 

Unconcerned about appearance,
Shedding tears of pride. 
No other place could I have been
Then next to Nate and surrounded by those who love him most. 
Making memories for a lifetime,
This perspiring, imperfect collection of people
Honored a man of integrity
Whom the Lord gave me for such a time as this
And I am richly, profoundly blessed to call him (and all those in this picture) my own. 

We are West Point Moms!

I could barely eek out a few words before bursting into tears. We had never met and yet there was a bond between us as soon as she answered the phone. We were West Point moms at opposite ends of the 48 month adventure. The warmth in her voice removed the little resolve I had left to keep it all together. I attempted to ask some factual questions but really all I wanted to know is that she survived. Since she was still able to speak in full sentences, I perceived that as a good sign. 

The Hubs made this graph when 
Nate was a new cadet, it's so true!

Don't we all want to find kindred spirits, people who can help us along life's way? I sure do. In many aspects, the desire to be encouraged and embraced is central to feeling a sense of community. Connection is what I've found in being a West Point Mom.

WP moms come in all sizes!

Perhaps mothers with children in traditional universities have a bond. As my middle OS begins college at Moody Bible Institute this fall, it would be nice to meet mothers who have children pursuing ministry. Yet I must be honest, my expectations will be high because West Point moms spoil each other with kindness.

Here are just a few examples of what it's like to be a WP mom.  

This is the cutest Girl Scout delivery 
boy in El Salvador!

Recently my oldest OS went to see his bonita in El Salvador. She likes Girl Scout cookies and Nate couldn't possibly go there empty-handed! He had bought her tea and nail polish which truly threatened his "Man Card" but Girl Scout cookies was another must-have item. Well, one quick message on facebook and a WP mom, whom Nate has never met, shipped EIGHT, yes EIGHT boxes to my boy, free of charge.

Girl Scout cookies make girlfriends happy!

Nate was hoping to avoid parking fees at the airport while on vacation in El Sal. A simple message to my WP moms and a grandma of a cadet offered Nate to park his car at her home for the week.

A mom asks for prayers and a swarm of WP moms respond with concern. A mom posts a picture of her cadet on the page and we gush as if it were our own bairn.

There is no paucity of concern or compassion. The Scripture passage found in Romans 12:15 is fitting. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn." Though most of us haven't met in person, we understand each other. We don't all share the same political convictions or spiritual beliefs, some don't even use soap nuts(!) but nonetheless we are a sisterhood. We realize our cadets will most likely travel in harm's way. We get it in ways most don't. Current events and conflicts in foreign lands impact our children's future. As our cadets return from Spring Break, many weepy moms lamented about missing their cadet. We reassured them and gathered them into the fold cuz that's how WP mamas roll. 

This is a common WP mom facial
expression. It's hard to let go!

Now I'm at the other end of this experience. Nate graduates the end of May. I don't want it to end but I know my cadet is ready to see where life leads him.  The current trajectory is Georgia, Colorado and then possibly Kuwait.  
  

Even if you're not a WP mom, you will enjoy this video one of my friends created. One day soon your child will embark on new journeys and it will tug on your heart even if your baby isn't heading to the United States Military Academy. I've watched this video many times and I can't get through it without shedding a tear. A picture of Nate and I at Ring Weekend is found on 00.53 of this link. What a privilege to be part of this long grey line!

26-50 things I'm thankful for

To continue with my 50 things I'm thankful for:


26. The hubs gave me a rough draft of a book he's creating of all my blog posts from last year. This sweet man has poured hours preparing it and it is a family treasure.

from Charles

27. For the first time in my life, I got a birthday card from Charles. Charles is the quirky alter ego of my orange hair, freckle face OS. Charles spawned an alter ego in me named Charlene. Charles and Charlene speak their own language and have unique accents. No one else in the family really likes Charles and Charlene but we/they have fun together. Thanks Charles!

28. a birthday card announcement from 
my cadet in French and Spanish

29. For my birthday, I also received a beautiful letter from my oldest OS. And, just like Nate, he forgot to sign it! 
30. Thread - I have new thread. Thread makes things happen. Oh yeah.

bibimbap, I prefer mine without the egg

31. We entertained a Korean exchange student during my birthday weekend and she made us bibimbap and other tasty Korean foods. And I've now eaten bracken...you're welcome. 

bracken, fiddleheads, they are edible

32. My soap nuts arrived. I've been using them for two weeks - love them, seriously!
33. I finished a guest blog post - taa daa!
34. At the end of my birthday night, my middle OS Aaron gave me a video of the past year. I cried through the whole thing but only had one big crying snort, it couldn't be helped. 
35. No snow or ice storms on my birthday. For someone born January 27th in the States, those things usually go hand in hand.

a mama of oliveshoots needs olive fabric.
but now what do I do with it? 

36. My road trip to MaryJo's Cloth Store with friends was joyful. Four women in an SUV talking about everything without gossip is a blessing.
37. I bought some 1 1/2 yards of olive fabric. Any suggestions on what a mama of oliveshoots can do with this? 
38. I have three pounds of dried black turtle beans. They are exquisite.

= yum

39. My birthday cake from Blue Moon Bakery - simply divine with raspberry frosting, chocolate mousse filling. And it matched my hair. It's good when your hair matches your cake.

gorgeous made from scratch poundcake

40. But before we enjoyed the bakery cake on Saturday with my extended family on Friday night, a wonderful family friend surprised me with a homemade pound cake she made from scratch. 
41. Ike's team won their game! My orange hair, freckle face OS blazed the court on my b-day!
42. My mom does not have cancer. 
43. Balloons.
44. A singing birthday greeting from my cousin's family. Tis a sweet melody hearing four girls who love the Lord leave a message for me.

45. another birthday announcement from my cadet - in Arabic and English! I'm pretty sure his roommate helped him with the Arabic. 

pj pants for a book lover!

46. I made a pair of pajama pants for one of my two bibliophiles. He's going to wear them during Spirit Week. 
47. Jesus who gave me a redemptive life. 

48. Zumba which is giving me a redemptive body (maybe)...
49. Lou Malnati's pizza from my aunt and uncle shipped from Chicago which necessitates blessing #48!

50. And lastly, another birthday greeting from my Soldier. I know this was no small feat for my OS to do, thank you precious son! 

25 out of 50 things I'm thankful for

I've always known how to have fun on my birthday! 

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I used to think 50 year old people were old. Now I think they are, well, they are...me as of January 27. 


Here is half of the 50 things I'm thankful for. 

Class of 2016 = woot

1. My middle OS has been accepted to Moody Bible Institute!
2. This means I will have a semi-regular pizza delivery boy! 
3. I had a wonderful experience speaking to a local MOPS group and I want to do it again! 
4. My topic was "Raising Mighty Oliveshoots" and I'm sensing the Lord is creating something. 
5. My oldest OS has done so well as West Point that he will be getting his first choice for his post and unit. This means that Nate will probably be going to Fort Carson in Colorado. I suggested "Fort" Cary (we live in Cary!) but he seemed disinterested. No worries though!
6. My orange hair, freckle face OS's basketball team is currently in first place and his back pain is subsiding.

Few moments are as epic as when you
and your OS get to meet Mary Jo!

7. I'm going to MaryJo's Cloth Store in Gastonia on Saturday with friends. Ignite endorphin levels!
8. I soaked some almonds overnight in water and evaporated cane juice. I drained the water and just before putting them into the dehydrator, I sprinkled cinnamon on them. They taste GOOD! 

I'm having a bibimbap birthday! 

9. We are having a Korean exchange student stay with us for the weekend and she is going to teach me how to make bibimbap! 
10. We're also going to be serving squash pancakes and green onion pancakes. This should be interesting!
11. My six year old nephew Jon aka Goo, told me he has drawn me a picture for my birthday. I can't wait to see it!
12. My aunt and uncle from Chicago sent me two birthday pizzas. I have them safely hidden in the freezer, only the Hubs seems to know. I do not want to share. Does that make me a bad person??? Do not tell a soul. 
13. I'm reading my seventh book since Christmas. Shablam! Current read - Saving Leonardo. Here's a great quote "One of the greatest injustice we do our young people is to ask them to be conservative. Christianity is not conservative, but revolutionary...We must teach them to be revolutionaries, revolutionaries against the status quo." Click to read this review that compelled me to buy this for my Kindle Fire. 
14. It struck me last night as I was sitting with my monthly writing friends, how immensely blessed I am with a diversity of friendships culled from many parts of my life. 
15. My house is neither immaculate nor filthy, right now as I type this, it's right in the middle. 
16. I love my weekly Bible Study and the women I share life with. As I look around the table, I admire their strength, beauty and stories about leading redeemed lives. 

Bible Study just before the Army/Navy game!
Had to bring Nate!

17. My stepfather said he would go with me for my colonoscopy! I don't have one scheduled but since I took him to his, he said he would accompany me on mine! 

18. I just finished reading a book about a vacuum cleaner and it made me cry. I thought about the stories my family's appliances could tell.
19. When I told my mom that sometimes her birthday cards to me are so sappy, I could become diabetic, she didn't get offended. She laughed and scoffed. We had fun! 
20. Loves it when the pastor speaks a sermon custom made for our family! 
21. And REALLY loves it when we apply the sermon to daily life!
22. So blessed to have a praying family. We rallied around one of our OS this weekend and prayed with and for him one night. I want to leave this kind of legacy.
23. Realized that I along with the Hubs are raising a first generation Christian family. I didn't see that modeled in my own family and we're super imperfect but still, we're doing it!

A recent creation I made

24. My sewing machines and I are getting along. We are enjoying our time together.
25. I made a dinner this week for a teacher who has cancer. I wasn't sure what to make and brought sesame seed crusted salmon, wilted spinach with a white wine sauce and quinoa pepper salad. She said her favorite thing to eat was fish! I didn't know that! 


On the eve of a big day, it makes sense to have some jollity. Life is a gift. I'd love to hear from you, any of these 25 jump out at you?

Army Strong - Day One post surgery

Outside the hospital

We're sitting in a darkened room at Keller Army Hospital on a crisp autumn day at West Point. The sound of the CryoCuff Cooler chugs along giving Nate icy respite from the pain of surgery. We are only a few hours post-ACL surgery and even though this is not easy for any of us (especially Nate!), I'm so happy my middle OS and I are here.

Nate will come to love and hate 
this machine during his rehab

Though my family often chides me for asking a lot of questions, today I think Nate at least would agree, that trait does have its merits. I had myriad questions of the surgeon but didn't barrage him. A mama wants to effectively advocate for her son. If you've ever been to the doctor or had surgery, you understand how important it can be to have another voice speaking on your behalf. In the short time he has been a patient at the hospital, I have run interference for my OS. When Nate was thirsty, I requested water, when he drank Sprite, I asked if he could have more. The medical staff have many patients, Aaron and I have one. It's not being a diva or a prima donna, I'm not a Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, just a mama, if I can do something quicker or easier, than I want to assist. 

Saw this in the waiting room - Rick Springfield 
on a talk show this morning...
I think he's had some surgery too! :) 

When Nate's IV monitor was sounding "occlusion," I fetched someone to investigate. When he thought he might throw up, I inquired of a barfing receptacle. I'm sure Nate would have managed but not very comfortably because he's too weak to do much. Aaron has faithfully stayed by Nate's side even though there's really nothing for him to do here. I am proud of my boy for his sacrifice and love. 

Aaron and I went apple picking with a friend
yesterday - we are the two amigos!

Here's an example of how Aaron and I have been a good team. A short while ago, a male nurse came to help Nate with a basic biological function. Nate did not want my intervention (totally understood that!) so Aaron and I waited in the hallway. The nurse gave Nate his privacy once he had transferred him to the toilet. He left the room and told Nate he would get him back to the bed. Nate used the restroom and Aaron and I stepped back in the room. Nate began to wobble and he looked white as a ghost. I yelled for Aaron's help in case Nate fainted as I retrieved the nurse. Aaron stood by his brother's side until the staff got him safely back to bed. Now Nate is fast asleep, problem avoided, thank the Lord. 


My OS has entered the subset of cadets who find themselves needing surgery during their 48 month sojourn at USMA. It's a unique subset of the Corps and if possible, I'd recommend finding another "club" to join! Seriously! Thanks for your prayers, concern and support, it means so much to us. Army Strong!

Surgery - when the time is right, whenever that is!

Gorgeous skies blanketed the journey to West Point

Unfortunately, the adage "expect the unexpected" and the expression "hurry up and wait" are true this morning as Nate's surgery has been delayed. He walked into the surgery room, mentally prepared to get his ACL fixed and walked right back out minutes later because of an equipment malfunction.


The night before, the three of us enjoyed dinner at Sushi King followed by ice cream just a few doors down the street. Nate was as ready as he could be for the surgery bright and early in the morning.


But at this point, my OS has been told that the equipment might not even be fixed today. The sterilizer is broken. I think that's a good reason to postpone things however, my firstie is hungry, thirsty and frustrated, who can blame him?


Yesterday I found myself counting our blessings, taking stock of the goodness which has resulted through this trial. So instead of complaining which is unproductive, I'm going to concentrate on the positive. This is just a partial list and I hope to later include other blessings which have lifted our spirits. 

Don''t be jealous, get your own ACL surgery ;)

My van is loaded with treats for Nathan. Cards and gifts from family as well as from people who don't even know my boy! When Nate said he wanted me to bring him dehydrated apples, I obliged but a mother who doesn't even know him also wanted to support a member of the military. She dehydrated a bunch of apples for Nate. They look delicious! 

Bible Study friends holding a bag of dehydrated apples.
They donated 40 pounds of apples for my OS!

The women in my weekly Bible Study pitched in and bought a box of apples for me to dehydrate for my OS. We're talking 40 POUNDS of apples! In addition, my Bible Study leader and another WP mom donated bags of apples for my healthy food project. Such bounty! When I popped open the back of the van to give Nate some of the things, his mouth was agape at the amount of apples he now has to enjoy! I felt so proud of my friends and the community of support.

Nate now has a ridunkulous amount of dehydrated apples. 

The West Point networks for parents and mothers are extraordinary. Through a parent list-serve and a closed West Point Moms facebook group, I have been encouraged beyond measure. I learned about Mobilegs which is a lightweight crutch alternative. When I contacted the company and told them about Nate's upcoming surgery, they eagerly offered me a military discount. 

Nate trying on his Mobilegs before surgery

The Mobilegs arrived at his barracks yesterday afternoon. 
When we met Nate,   
he was grinning and carrying them. "I'm actually kinda excited to use them," Nate remarked to me last night. 

In front of Sushi King - Nate and his
Zoolanderish brother Aaron

During dinner, when the owner of the restaurant learned that Nate was a West Point cadet and having surgery the next day, he made him a free special mango sushi roll. Our spirits were high. Truly I'm learning that the little things we can all do for each other are very significant. THANK YOU SUSHI KING!!

Mango, cream cheese, crab sushi roll made
just for Nate - delicious kindness

Another great blessing was Aaron and I drove to West Point and enjoyed a scenic, pleasant trip. We got along 96% of the time and although the last 4% was pretty ugly (we were less than ten miles away from West Point!), our relationship quickly returned to its formerly happy state. 


And as if we hadn't be given above and beyond what we even imagined, we had a surprise awaiting us. I opened the small closet in Nate's hospital room and there, tucked in the far corner, I spotted the thing we never expected. A pair of bright red boxer briefs!!! Carefully I pinched the undies with my fingers and wiggled them at Nate! He was, um, speechless! I'm pretty sure an angel had left them there for my boy. It doesn't get better than that, my friends!

A complimentary pair of undies left for Nate! What great fortune!

 And there have been other blessings which I must acknowledge. Right now though I'm completely exhausted and trusting in the Lord's perfect timing. Please know that your words and thoughtfulness are so meaningful. We'll keep you posted...

Doing Hard Things - moving forward

I wrote this post while traveling to Chicago to attend my grandma's memorial service. I am now back home and reconciling myself to a different life without someone I loved very much...

My feet at my grandma's service

It’s not that my feet have failed me. It’s not their fault, I can’t blame them. They have moved forward. They will be walking into a church tomorrow and at the appointed time, they will walk up to the podium.Though my heart is breaking, my feet will be sturdy forces even in mid-size heels. My feet will propel me into places I know bring sorrow and there’s nothing I can do about it. They are doing the right thing.

Ok, so the folks in West Virginia might NOT be
moving forward if they are bringing bologna biscuits back!

As we have journeyed from North Carolina, through the voluptuous hills of West Virginia and then through the flatter plains of Ohio, I note that everyone is moving forward. When we arrive in Chicago, it will be apparent EVERYONE is moving forward at breakneck speed. 

The windmills in Ohio moved slowly forward.
They were beautiful.

This week during my water aerobics class (another tribute to my grandma), I considered all the people in the pool. We vary in size, color, age and athleticism. Ashamedly I admit that it’s been a long time since I have really pondered this but as I stood in the water awaiting instruction, I thought to myself, everyone in this pool has lost someone. Everyone in this water knows grief. We have all cried pools of tears. Possibly some are as fresh as mine. 

We are all moving forward in some capacity. Sometimes I look at the ladies in the pool and see wisps of my own grandma. It might be in their carriage or bathing suit styles. I observe their little chicken legs, a charmed feature of my grandma’s and my own feet resist the temptation to run up to them. It would just make them feel awkward and I would cry. Not too many people cry during water aerobics~

Writing is cathartic for me and these fingers push words forward which spring from an aching grand-daughter’s heart. My fingers are blessed to tell you about the tender caresses from my OS and the Hubs as I grieve. They have loved me, allowed ME to lean on them and I’m comforted by their gentleness. My middle OS has told me that he is old enough to handle my pain. My oldest bairn at West Point sets aside his own worries and concerns to listen. The orange-haired, freckle face Isaac grants more hugs than usual without getting annoyed. Their Hanes cotton t-shirts have deposited many of my tears, their rugged hands envelope mine reassuringly.

Perhaps I have shared this previously but I did not grow up in a family with an emotionally accessible father. We were well acquainted with his angry side but vulnerability was rarely shown. Until I met the Hubs, I didn’t realize men were capable of sweet and tender feelings. This, along with my total lack of being able to discuss the merits of menstruation (!), have led me to believe that the Lord gave me three sons to heal a woundedness in my heart.

Going forward while Doing Hard Things

In my next post, I will share things I’m learning while Doing Hard Things and some of the dearest moments at my grandma’s service. Thanks for listening.